In a hastily called press conference, Robert Mueller pronounced that, given far reaching cooperation in the Russia Collusion Investigation, he is recommending that Bernie Madoff’s 150 year jail sentence be commuted to 100 years. Some will recall, Bernie Madoff was sentenced to serve prison time as a result of his master-minding a Ponzi scheme to bilk thousands of investors of billions of dollars in the financial investment accounts he controlled.
Special Counsel Mueller is quoted in a document presented to the court, “His early cooperation was particularly valuable,” Mueller writes, “because he was one of the few people with long-term and firsthand insight regarding events and issues under investigation by the SCO” (special counsel’s office).
Mueller also seemed to set aside a number of concerns that arose during one of Mr. Madoff’s 42 interviews at the Federal Corrections Complex in Butner, NC. He noted “Leaking of classified material is a concern but in Bernie’s case we’ll make an exception.”
Special Counsel Mueller felt compelled to instruct all the reporters present at the SCO News Conference as to the vagaries of the investigation as he said, “We were able to use Mr. Madoff’s name and reputation in securing a FISA warrant and as everyone has learned, we cannot go up on a wire. We cannot do a search without a judge on the FISA Court approving it and determining that we have met the standard that has been set forth by Congress in order to utilize these techniques. So there is a foreign intelligence purpose for every one of our FISA warrants.” When surveying the reaction of the newsmen present all seemed to be nodding in agreement with the Special Counsel’s appraisal.
Turning to another speculation that has surrounded Robert Mueller’s star witness, he tried to assure all present, “With regard to Bernie Madoff, I don’t think he colluded with the Russians ’cause I don’t think he colludes with his own government, so why do we think he would’ve colluded with the Russians?
At this point Mr. Mueller turned the floor open to questions. The first question came from Jim Acosta of CNN.
“Mr. Mueller, were you ever able to get Bernie Madoff to implicate President Trump in the Ponzi scheme? As a follow up, according to an unnamed source, did the President use any of Bernie’s money to buy golf courses in Scotland and as a second follow up, and according to a different unnamed source, is Vladimir Putin, as is rumored, Donald Trump’s love child? Finally, as a third follow up, can you confirm another rumor provided by a totally different unnamed source, that President Trump is looking to nominate Vladimir Putin to the US Supreme Court?”
Robert Mueller responds, “So without getting into the specifics, I can tell you that to the extent that investigation is a relatively important investigation and meaningful, the president would have been periodically briefed. At present I am not at liberty to comment on much of what you have asked, however be assured that my staff of 57 totally non-partisan Democrat investigators and donors to Mrs. Clinton’s Presidential Campaign are actively looking at the all the possibilities.”
The next reporter, Jake Tapper from CNN asked, “As we are all aware, Bernie Madoff had a collection of very expensive, high-end watches that we all assumed were purchased with his ill-gotten gains. Can you confirm the rumor that one of the watches was inscribed “With Love, Donald”?”
“Mr. Tapper, at this moment it appears it could be a possibility. As you are aware, the watches were sold at auction and the proceeds used to pay attorney fees and what was left was given to the government to help fund our investigation and what was left, if anything, was given to the investors. That being said we are now searching for a Timex Men’s T2M935 Elevated Classics Dress Stainless Steel Expansion Band Watch with a suggested retail of $62.00 but can currently be purchased at a significant discount. Once we have looked over the records, assigned 13 private detectives to find the person or persons responsible for this purchase and until we complete our search for the missing watch, we won’t know for sure. To date we consider this an open matter subject to change.”
“As a follow up, there is an unnamed source who has told CNN that Bernie Madoff is President Trump’s love child via a clandestine affair with Cher, formerly of Sonny and Cher?”
Mueller consider the question and merely states, “No comment.”
A reporter from FOX News shouts above the rest of the assembled reporters and asks the Special Counsel, “What the hell does Bernie Madoff have to do with all this?”
Mueller responds, “That concludes the press conference.”