CNN anchor Don Lemon made, what many feel, an incendiary racist statement regarding white men. He made this compelling argument by declaring. “I keep trying to point out to people not to demonize any one group or any one ethnicity, but we keep thinking that the biggest terror threat is something else.” Lemon continued, “We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right, and we have to start doing something about them.” Lemon further emphasized that there is no travel ban on white men like there is with the Muslim ban and that there is no “white guy ban” in place so “What do we do about that?”
This overwhelming sense of dread seems to have been the catalyst for Lemon to embark on a furtive journey to prove his hypothesis beyond the shadow of doubt. In his 57 part series exposé to be aired on CNN, Lemon needed to disguise his true intent. For this endeavor, Lemon decided to focus on what he has determined is one of the largest bastion of white supremacists, the Larchmont Polo and Cricket Club.
Given what he supposed would be a white racist terror group wielding sway over club membership, Don Lemon resolved that he would apply for the position of shoe maintenance engineer whereby he would be responsible for keeping the white men’s shoes in tiptop shape. CNN approved his clandestine operation and even funded the purchase of various different color shoe polishes, brushes and even a case to carry all of the accoutrement. As part of this exposé an in-depth interview with CNN President, Jeff Zucker, was recorded. Zucker is the first to acknowledge this brave attempt on Mr. Lemon’s part by saying, “It was well worth the cost of $83.45 to fund what we know Don will uncover at the Larchmont Polo and Cricket Club. At CNN we look upon this group as the modern day Klu Klux Klan and when you think of the apparent symbolism, you can’t ignore the similarities.” Mr. Zucker noted, “Both groups wear white, they both have a penchant for horses, the KKK lights crosses on fire during their rituals, the Larchmont Polo and Cricket Club lights fires at their annual Members Only Barbeque. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.”
Don Lemon began his first day at the Larchmont Polo and Cricket Club by polishing the shoes of Club Chairman Alterton Fauntleroy Worthington-Smyth and Vice Chairman George ‘Bull Connor’ Walters. In preparation for situations exactly like these, Lemon fitted himself with equipment from CNN including wireless mics and miniature infrared camera. The following is part of the conversation that took place and recorded by the Mr. Lemon on his first day!
“Mornin’ sirs, can I shine your shoes?”
Vice Chairman George ‘Bull Connor’ Walters answers, “You sure can boy! Mine took a real lickin’ out there on the polo field.”
“Mighty fine, sir and now just you take comfy seat up there and I’ll have ‘em looking like new in no time.”
Not to be outdone, Club Chairman Alterton Fauntleroy Worthington-Smyth made it known that he was next in line for a shine. “Young man, it is of great import that you polish my boots to a mirror-like shine as we have a special presentation this evening. The club is handing out our “Sticky Wicket Trophy’ to the Nottingham Knights, our champion Larchmont Cricket Team.”
“Wow sir that must be very citin’ for y’all.”
“Yes it is young man and I want to be the first to welcome you and to remind you to never use the member bathrooms or eat in the member kitchen. There are special facilities provided for you and the other, ah umm, employees that are privileged enough to work at the Larchmont Polo and Cricket Club.”
Vice Chairman Walters chimes in, “Listen boy, don’t forget to be sure that you polish my wicket, I got me some blood on it and it needs to be cleaned.”
(Aside: At this point Don Lemon turns white fearing for his life)
“Boy, what’s wrong with you? You look like you just saw the ghost of Jefferson Davis.”
Don Lemon stammers, “N…N…N…No sir, I must a eatin’ some really nasty pork belly last night. I’m a might upset.”
“Well just don’t puke on my shoes.” Both Chairman Worthington-Smyth and Vice Chairman Walters find this very funny and laugh out loud.
Don Lemon quickly finishes shining the shoes of these men and they seem satisfied with the results. “Splendid job young man, splendid job! I will be sure that your supervisor, Mr. Jennings is told. Here is a quarter for your good work.” Club Chairman Alterton Fauntleroy Worthington-Smyth then hands Don Lemon a quarter.
“Yeah boy, mine look right as rain! I’ll be sure to tell Jennings you’re a good old boy! See you around partner. Here’s a quarter, don’t spend it all in one place!” Vice Chairman George ‘Bull Connor’ Walters laughs and hands a quarter to Don.
The men walk away and Don Lemon breathes a sigh of relief. He thinks to himself, “I don’t want to come back here. This is a horror show of racism.” He thinks of ‘Bull Connor’ Walters bloodied wicket and shutters at the thought of where or whom the blood may have come from.”
In the closing segment of Part One of his CNN report, Don recalls, “I wanted to run from the Larchmont Polo and Cricket Club as fast as my limo could drive, but then I thought. I have a responsibility to my hundreds of viewers to search for the truth no matter where it leads me.”